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Kathleen Gives Me a Chance to Fib

January 27, 2011

Kathleen got this award from the wonderful bbsmum and gave it to me (and some fabulous blogging friends). She copied and pasted the sanitized directions that bbsmum posted, and when I saw the word sanitized, I went and found the original version at Jillsmo:

“1. You must proudly display the absolutely disgusting graphic that I have created for these purposes (put it in your post, you don’t have to put it in your sidebar, I think that would seriously be asking too much). It’s so bad that not only did I use COMIC SANS, but there’s even a little fucking jumping, celebrating kitten down there at the bottom. It’s horrifying! But its presence in your award celebration is crucial to the memetastic process we’re creating here. If you need a higher resolution version… I totally have one!!

2. You must list 5 things about yourself, and 4 of them must be bold-faced lies. Just make some shit up, we’ll never know; one of them has to be true, though. Of course, nobody will ever know the difference, so we’re just on the honor system here. I trust you. Except for the 4 that you lied about, you lying bastards! But don’t go crazy trying to think of stuff, you’ll see by the example I’ve set below that we’re not really interested in quality here.

3. You must pass this award on to 5 bloggers that you either like or don’t like or don’t really have much of an opinion about. I don’t care who you pick, and nobody needs to know why. I mean, you can give a reason if you want, but I don’t really care.

4. If you fail to follow any of the above rules, I will fucking hunt your ass down and harass you incessantly until you either block me on Twitter or ban my IP address from visiting your blog. I don’t know if you can actually do that last thing, but I will become so annoying to you that you will actually go out and hire an IT professional to train you on how to ban IP addresses just so that I’ll leave you alone. I’m serious. I’m going to do these things.

5. This one isn’t actually a rule, but once you do the above, please come back here and link up to the Memetastic Hop so that I can keep track of where this thing goes.”

First off, I totally love cats, so that’s a winner for me, but that thing up there doesn’t look like a cat. Not much, anyway, but that’s okay. Once you realize it isn’t a bear, it works as a fat cat. And I know fat cats:

The disdain practically drips off of him.
No way he’d ever be happy happy, you know?

Five things about me, with four of them being lies. Thank gods, as I’m running out of self-disclosure things. It’s vastly easier if I make it up.

Of course, I have to compete against Kathleen’s incredible imagination and more importantly, the fascinating things she’s actually done! This is no easy task, especially when you look to Stink Creek’s citizens and their extraordinary lives.

  In my earlier years, I joined the Peace Corps, where instead of stationing me somewhere in the wilds of Africa to dig wells and teach the villagers how to speak English, they sent me two towns down the way, as my bathroom issues wouldn’t allow me to live anywhere an indoor toilet was not possible. Now, sure, I still could have gone places, right, as there are indoor toilets to be had in Africa, but I can’t fly. My bathroom issues are so crippling that if I even think someone’s aware I’m in an enclosed room trying to pee, I freeze. So, no planes, that’s for sure. A whole plane of people knowing I need to go? Not happening. Alas, the town they sent me to already knew English and had no private stall bathrooms where no one could see me enter, and I drove home in shame. 

 Well, with one thing about me out of the way, I suppose it’s bound to get easier to share my deeper, darker secrets. Better to let it all out.

   When I was a teenager, I decided that the school system was entirely inadequate and I went on a ninja stealth-improvised (with closely located loos, of course) campaign to steal the Texas textbooks that allowed creationism to be taught in biology of all places and replace them with more appropriate copies of Charles Darwin’s On The Origin Of Species. Unfortunately, I was caught red-handed and promptly expelled. 

There, I feel ever so much better for revealing that tidbit. Marching forward, now, onto the third thing about me.

  In my quest to understand the world and the way it works, I embarked on a journey to read and practice every possible (major) religion. In the process of this quest, I made little bitty golems of all my quantum mes and then I systematically poked the quantum mes I was pretty sure were having more fun than me. Lanza assures me that since I can never die because of said quantum versions of me, I take comfort in knowing they are out there in other quantum dimensions grabbing themselves and wondering why they keep feeling a stabbing pain in their ass, especially the skinny quantum mes, whom I’m convinced are sending me their extra pounds.

Well now, if that didn’t tell you what for, maybe number four will.

   When I was in my mid-twenties I taught at a Pentecostal private school. For reasons that still mystify me, they thought I’d be a good fit and qualified to teach World History, which began at around 5,000 years ago, SAT prep, and later Spanish. This was followed with two months of teaching drama. As part of this job, I had to attend the school’s chapel services twice a week with the students. I did everything I could along the way to buck the system. I taught that the world history book they had was crap. I sucked at teaching Spanish because it had been four years since I’d taken it in college and I’d only had two years. SAT prep bored the hell out of me, and the closest I ever got to drama was reading plays for my English degree (and I really didn’t read any plays). I taught Hamlet. Teach them to throw weird classes at me that I was poorly qualified to teach. And I had a bad habit of both rolling my eyes and sighing loudly in chapel and then sneaking out to smoke. Oddly enough, I was not asked back for the next school year. I’d have rather gone on a plane and peed in front of everyone than teach there again.

Fifth and final thing about me:

  In my spare time, when I’m not being me and doing all the grand things I do as me, I write technical manuals for the Chinese. Little known to most Americans and Chinese, but there is a burgeoning underground of Americans boxing up Ikea furniture for shipment to the growing middle class in China. I am part of this underground and I make sure the instructions are completely nonsensical, all in retaliation for all the clothes the Chinese make that magically shrink so that a woman with a 28 inch inseam (ME!) has to buy women’s tall pants (which become capri length after four washes). In this way I take my revenge on these workers who have single-handedly been vaulted into the middle class by my having to rebuy the same pair of pants every two months.

Alright, onto the other rule of passing this on to five other folks so they can curse me as they try to figure out what to write:

Because I am in a contrarian mood and these people would never expect an award from me, plus because these folks need the bling of this memetastic award:
These very interesting bloggers are all on the Autism Blogs Directory, although they may not be aware of that fact, and I’m well aware that some of them may not feel at all charitable towards me. 


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