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>A Thelma Diversion: Visitin the Sisters of Perpetual Agony Hospital and Emporium

April 7, 2010

>Kim: Thelma and Louise said since I was busy groaning under the weight of school work, both of the grading and prepping kind and the studying kind, that we could run some of the Stink Creek Adventures over here. First up is Thelma. True, it’s not directly related to autism, woo, or other misinformation, but it will give you a chuckle. We’ll get a Louise piece up tomorrow. The gals say they’ve been a bit lonely over at EDHF, so you might pop in and sit a spell with them when you have a chance.


Thelma: Up is tale about Louise’s and my nemeses. Lord knows, we all gots to have em. And every now and then we can even work together with em.


Just when ya’ll get to wonderin, well, hell, where’s Thelma? Louise done been around, taken on Miss Fussy Bosoms and her fan Knows-No-Facts Blaxill, but Thelma’s been quieter than that Miss Prissy Edna Huggabut squirmin in church with a toot about to burst out. Oh, she’s quiet, for damn sure, but the faces she makes as her ample ass squirms in the pew is priceless. Bout drives her best friend Willa Wanker out of her mind to watch. She’s a whisperin at her, “What’s the matter Edna? Is the spirit touchin ya?”

Louise and I we sit behind em and snicker, right up until Mamma H whacks us with the hymnal. The preacher (not the one Louise helped sing praises with, mind ya, but the new mild mannered one who’s attempting to preach to all of Stink Creek at once) looks down on us in some bit of consternation. I just sing Nearer My God to Thee with a bit more gumption and kick the back of Edna’s pew in time.

Anyways, I know ya’ll been wonderin what I have been doin to keep so busy that I ain’t on the interwebz causin any trouble. Well, tell ya true, with Mamma H and the raisin a goin after the glory and the power pretty much all day thanks to them special tub pills and a brand-new sturdier walker that’ll hold the two of them at once, I ain’t sitting my ample ass in my nice soft recliner asurfin the interwebz lookin for dumbasses, that’s for true.

Well, I been out and about in the community, a interviewin folks for our upcoming founder’s day parade. We’re gonna decorate a pig this year, and I got me a heap of ideas for that, for sure. Anyways, the Stink Creek Chronicle and Penny Pincher done decided my nose is so good at scoopin out what folks are up to and in need of that they done decided I can write me any old column I want for the two of them. So, I’m goin out and interviewin folks on their issues and such and seein what sorts of woo they is into and how I can help convince them they is followin the wrong course of action. I’ve had some successes, I’ll confess, but Edna and Willa have done taken to following behind, Edna passin out pamphlets on natural healin and Willa screamin Bully at em. So, I win em and then I lose em cuz their scared shitless by the likes of Edna and Willa.

So, I was out to Luther’s the other day, to ask him if we could use his pig for the founder’s day contest, since Louise and I are in between the swine right at the moment and to ask him bout his chickens (he’s taken to collecting them by the thousands, all sorts. Got three freezer full of em and some of em were still of this world when he was stuffin them in, bless him. The sisters ain’t quite through with him, for sure.

Luther and I were havin us a nice chat in his trailer; he’d done shown me the freezer with the stuffed chickens, and I was on my way out, havin gotten permission to use Bella, his prize pig, for the contest, when out jumped Willa and screamed Bully in our faces. Edna was snickering in the bushes, of course, and let out a loud one at the same time. Between the twin horrors of Willa’s screamin and Edna’s stinkin, well, poor Luther lost it and ran to the closest freezer and tried to stuff himself in with the chickens.

I whacked Willa with my purse and hollered at the two of them jackasses to go get my truck and bring it up alongside the porch, cuz they was damn sure goin with me to the sisters with Luther to explain it was their fault he’d lost it again.

That Edna toodled off, lettin em rip as she went (she needs to be on one of them diets, for sure) and brought the truck around while Willa, her ears still ringing, helped me pull Luther out the freezer. We piled him into the truck, the four of us and a frozen chicken tight squeezed like sardines and Edna drove like the mad woman she is towards the sisters.

Now, the Sisters of Perpetual Agony is set off a ways from town and it does a lot of double duty there, I’m a tellin ya. The sisters are nothin if not enterprisin, and they’ve now got a gas station and Subway set up at the entrance of the place, so you can top off both ways before headin up the hill. Luther was a bit crazed and the chicken was athawin and feathers beginnin to fall off as he wringed it tighter and tighter to himself, so we didn’t stop, nosirree, plowed on through and up to their new ER room, where ya can also get yourself a lube job if ya call fifteen minutes in advance. Fortunately, I had my cell with me, so I had arranged the truck’s appointment on the way. Ain’t no sense in missin an opportunity and if I was stuck with my nemeses without my Louise and a thawin chicken with its bits all together still, feet, head, and all, not to mention Luther and his hollerin about bully chickens out to get him, well hell, my truck was gettin done. I also snagged a manicure for myself for a bit later, figuring it would take some time to get Luther and the chicken settled. Plus, Willa needed a checkup as well, yelling Bully for twenty plus years now, somethin ain’ quite right, is what I am a sayin.

So. Shewey, and I’d left the house without my flask, so I was handling all this high drama crap stone cold sober, which I tell ya ain’t nothin to shake a stick at and no mean feat, neither. We pull on up, get Luther and the chicken out, with Willa for some damn reason ascreamin bully again, and Edna and me, we just looked at each other. First time in our sixty years of bein each other’s nemesis we’d understood the other fully. Well, she reached out and kicked Willa in her keester, which surprised her enough to hush her, and the Sister’s one male nurse, one Mister Milo T Peanuckle came a runnin out to help us.

Ya’ll ain’t met Nurse Milo yet, so I’ve got to pause in my tale to introduce ya to him proper. He’s a dapper young man half my age, size, and weight. He’s a fine nurse, no doubt, but Lordy, ain’t nobody in stink creek that ain’t got a heap of issues, and this boy has him some fine ones. First of all, he’s scared to death of chickens, so he took one look at the thawed one in Luther’s hands that had gone into the freezer alive and come out frozen and surprised lookin and turned right back around and ran back into the ER.

We had to galhandle Luther in ourselves. It was quiet as a peep when we got in and Nurse Milo had turned out all the lights, hopin we’d leave no doubt. Well, I spend way too much time visitin kin at the sisters, so I turned the lights back on and went and found Milo behind the counter countin his tatoos. His arms are lined with women’s names. Did I mention Milo’s a pretty thing with an eye for the ladies? He apparently tatoos every lady he’s wined and dined or treated onto his arms.

Scared the dickens out of him, so that he smacked his head on the bottomside of the counter when I yelled at him to come get Luther. He looked up at me guiltily and all, said he weren’t doin a damn thing until the chicken had gone the way of the angels. I sighed big and told him my size nine combat boots were fixin to be aimed at his ass if he didn’t get up and deal with Luther.

We got back to Luther and the nemeses who were workin at gettin the chicken away from him and I had to grab onto Nurse Milo’s neck and keep steerin him in the right direction. I threw my keys at Willa and told her to take the truck on over so they could do the lube  job and she bolted, screamin bully as she went. At this point, Edna was darn near my best friend; we stared at each other in commiseration. Mayhaps there’s somethin to be learned. Mayhaps not. Time will tell.

Well, Edna got the chicken away from Luther and Nurse Milo got over his issues once she hid it in her purse, so we got Luther on back and I signed off on the paperwork so the sisters could work their magic on Luther again.

Willa nowhere in site, and me now a half hour late for my manicure, I told Edna she’d best get another way home or come one and see if that nice couple that Luther’d started the chicken mess over before could work her in, too. Edna by this point, though, now that the crisis was over, had decided we were back to bein sworn enemies again and humphed off, her ass shakin as she went. Willa scooted over to me and brought me my keys back, yelling “Bully, you’re truck’s done and so are you!”

Well, hell, you can see why I’ve been off the interwebz with this kind of goin-ons here. Ain’t no need to go lookin for trouble when it walks up to you and screams Bully in your face, now is there?

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